Although I said I dare not give advice on how to cope with in-laws, I think it can be helpful to try and understand those dreaded humans that a married person cannot live without. 

Figuring out the reasons for the poor (and most of the times, cruel) treatment of in-laws toward their respective relatives by law necessarily means dissecting them (not as insects, no offense meant—though they behave like pests!), and yielded the following observations:

One: In-laws are jealous.

Two: They are insecure.

Three: They are selfish.

Let’s talk about the above statements.

One: In-laws are jealous of their daughter/son/brother/sister/uncle/aunt-in-law. 

Who wouldn’t be? Before a man or a woman came to his or her spouse’s life, the center of their world is their relatives: his mother, her father, their brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces.  Then the wife (or husband) enters the scene and boom! All the attention, the support, the time and other things that they have gotten used to in the past are gone.  Maybe in other situations, those things don’t go away all at once.  Maybe at first, the son still makes time to be with the parents and give out to his relatives in times of need.  But gradually, as his own family grows, he learns that his priority is his wife and kids. 

Two: They are insecure of their daughter/son/brother/sister/uncle/aunt-in-law. 

Again, who wouldn’t be?  A glimpse at her happy son’s face as he looks lovingly at his wife may send dread and fear in a mother’s heart.  Nobody can get in the way of a contented, compatible and deeply in love couple. And what do you know? The mother or father or brother or sister or niece or nephew knows they cannot put that kind of smile in their relative’s lips.  They know they are no match for his wife, or for her husband, or for the children the couple made as part of their own family.

Three: They are selfish.

Isn’t it obvious?  In-laws want their son or daughter or brother or sister or aunt or uncle to themselves—not shared with a stranger.

So the next time you ask yourself, “Why are they like that to me?,” it can help to bear in mind these statements. 

For others, the inevitable follow-up questions will spring out: “Why, is it wrong for a spouse to prioritize his or her wife/husband and kids over his/her relatives? Is it wrong to be in love and build your own happy family? And whatever happened to the saying that one never loses a child in marriage because a son or daughter is gained instead?”

Categorically, the answer to the first two questions, of course, is a big, resounding NO.  As feeling, loving humans we are entitled to have our own household, to provide for them with care, support them with the fruits of our labor.  Husband and wife have an obligation to their children to give them food, clothing, shelter, education and make sure they will have a good life in this world. Husbands are obligated to their wives to give them what they need and together devote themselves to each other forever. And truly, a new wife or husband wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted by her or his in-laws like their own relative, and not to be seen as a threat to them.

If that is the case, why are some in-laws still behaving callously toward their relative’s spouse?  Why not just treat him or her better, instead of constant bickering and fault-finding and meddling?  BECAUSE THEY CANNOT HELP THEMSELVES.

Which brings me to another conclusion—one I derived from my own experience: In the matter of in-laws, it’s a matter of acceptance.

Acceptance of what?  Acceptance that no matter the effort, no matter the time, or the feelings one invests in them, some in-laws are never, ever going to change their ill-feelings and bad treatment of you.

This realization, for me, came after ten years of marriage. It came in just one instant, in just one sentence coming from my mother-in-law.  Something clicked in my mind when I heard her order my husband to go work abroad and leave me and my children in our country. This she said, in my face, and even though we have already built ourselves a nice home and business, and great life together with our kids.

When I heard those words, it quietly dawned on me that all the extra efforts for the last ten years, all the sweet and helpful things I did for her and for my husband’s relatives, all my attempts to make them endear themselves to me—are NOTHING to them.  Those hurting, cruel words I heard from her meant only one thing: she wanted my husband and I to separate; she wanted our family broken apart and destroyed; she wanted us to be far away from one another. She wanted me out of her son’s life.

I guess it has been there all along and I made myself blind to it. I closed my eyes to the countless times she made me and my husband fight by her meddling tactics; or the occasions their family selfishly got their own way over mine; or the nasty words and ill-treatment of them toward me and my children, including spreading rumors behind my back.

But painful as it may seem to others, that realization liberated me and made me feel…well, at peace.  Because from that day on, believe it or not, it made me behave better toward her and my husband’s relatives. I laughed when I would have been stung by their tactless remarks.  I find myself amused whenever I see their devious, manipulative ways to seek attention from my husband. I no longer make a fuss when they deliberately disrespect me or avoid me or treat me as if I’m not in the same room as them. I can now joke about the times they treated me and my kids like dirt. And I stopped feeling responsible for them and for their lives.

What brought this new-found serenity after all the troubled, exasperating years spent being my in-laws’ doormat cum servant cum ordinary object, instead of being treated like a true-blooded part of their family?  

You see, from childhood I held on to the conviction that people can and do change.  But life does teach us sad but valuable lessons.  Because  from my in-laws, I learned there comes a time when one should accept that sometimes, people don’t change. 

When I did accept that my in-laws will not change, I stopped trying to make them love me. I stopped making the extra efforts to be close to them and make them see me not as the monster they believe me to be.  I stopped trying, knowing that no matter what I do or say, they will never, ever change their behavior toward me.  

By doing this, they cannot touch or hurt me anymore because I finally gained acceptance.  Only then did I find peace with myself.

In case you’re wondering—of course, my husband didn’t obey his mother’s order. Instead, he gently but firmly put his arms around me in front of his mother and said, “We’re staying here, Mother.”